Bitch's thoughts

2007-05-07T21:19:00.000+08:00

Dear friends,
if I die today,
will you mourn for me?

Dear friends,
if you will never see me again,
will you tell me you love me?

Dear friends,
if I tell you I will miss you,
can you promise to do the same?

Dear friends,
if I am gone,
do not shed any tears.
Cos we know,
I am going to a better place.
With peace and love.

Amen.

I m going crazy

2007-02-04T04:05:00.000+08:00

Hello boy it's been a while
Guess you'll be glad to know
That I've learned how to laugh and smile
Getting over you was slow
They say old lovers can be good friends
But I never thought I'd really see you

I'd really see you again
I go crazy
When I look in your eyes
I still go crazy
No my heart just can't hide that old feeling inside
Way deep down inside

Oh baby you know when I look in your eyes
I go crazy

You say she satisfies your mind
Tells you all of her dreams
I know how much that means to you
I realize that I was blind
Just when I thought I was over you
I see your face and it just ain't true
No it just ain't true
I go crazy
When I look in your eyes
I still go crazy
That old flame comes alive
It's starts burning inside
Way deep down inside
Oh baby
You know when I look in your eyes
I go crazy
I go crazy
You know when I look in your eyes
I go crazy
No my heart just can't hide
That old feeling inside
Way deep down inside
I go crazy
You know when I look in your eyes
I go crazy

Crazy

假装

2006-12-11T02:41:00.000+08:00

呼吸着一种孤独的味道
心跳在你沉默以后
慢慢的被淡忘掉
我笑了笑
反正你看不到
我要的幸福
遗落在你怀抱

当爱失了焦
那些最初的美好
早被你搁在一角
街上拥挤人潮
走着看着都是摧眠符号
记忆停不了
穿过读你的心跳
穿过想你的味道
我只想不被打扰

假装多好
我只要只想要
再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱
一直会让我依靠
继续等待
还心甘情愿的不想逃

当爱失了焦
那些最初的美好
早被你搁在一角
街上拥挤人潮
走着看着都是摧眠符号
记忆停不了
穿过读你的心跳
穿过想你的味道
我只想不被打扰

假装多好
我只要只想要
再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱
一直会让我依靠
继续等待
心甘情愿不想逃

假装多好
依然是依然是
暧昧的tone调
一个人无理取闹
两人世界的煎熬
我被自己困在
自己设下的圈套

像是驼鸟相信
时间是唯一解药
视而不见
傻到了无可救药
其实早明了
你的爱已随风飘
想要找再也找不到

假装多好
我只要只想要
再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱
还心甘情愿的不想逃
假装多好
依然是依然是
暧昧的tone调
一个人无理取闹
两人世界的煎熬
我被自己困在
自己设下的圈套
假装自己已解开冰冷的手铐

Drunk

2006-12-06T23:06:00.000+08:00

Everyone was drunk yesterday.

Madness.

Tears.

Painfulness.

Hangover from yesterday caused me to be absent from work today.. Ha.

Can't even walk properly... So how the hell am I going to work?

So giddy.

I wished all those alcohol can just brain wash me.

SIGH

2006-11-14T21:38:00.000+08:00

Econs SUCKS!

i SCREWED up man!

SIGH SIGH SIGH.

Oh, and Mum's flying off to HongKong tomorrow while I am in the middle of another torture.

Home alone. Weee. Okay, that's a fake cheer.

Quoting from Cindy.. I am also a "mei ren yao de hai zi'.

I wanna go Hong Kong too! Bring me alongggg Mummy!

I dun wanna take As anymore.

BOO!

lonely girl

2006-10-31T22:26:00.000+08:00

Cindy will off her phone in like... 1 hour plus? It's A's in two days so I think she don't want to be distracted. Well, maybe I should too. Even though you don't message me, even though you don't give a damn about me. I can still be distracted.

You sure know the way to break a girl's heart.
Well, it's proven.
I'm just the evidence. Thanks.

Trying to focus,
Kaili

For all the heartbroken people out there. SIGH.

2006-10-30T22:23:00.000+08:00

亲爱的你从不掉眼泪
是谁让你如此伤心
坚强的你应该要看清
恋情结束就该放弃

你只需要再次重新出发
找到明天是很简单的事
只要你能拥有再追求幸福的心情

亲爱的你快换上新衣
适合现在消瘦的你
你会发现走在大街上
好多人都在回头看你
爱上他只是一个小 mistake
没有他你会有更多机会
值得你去爱的人在未来等着你
请赶快觉醒

亲爱的你过往的经历
迟早会化作片片回忆
打起精神来
让我看见你全新会微笑的脸

2006-10-24T23:25:00.000+08:00

你不开心的眼
仿佛将我推到悬崖边缘
距离就算再靠近眼前
我们一样没交点
没有你的世界
就像寒冬没有春天依偎
少了你陪在身边
我的四季只剩下冬天

悲伤喜悦回忆不断重演
静下来的世界
有我的思念
也有你的空虚无边

你有没有听见
寂寞的声音悄悄在蔓延
它住进我们之间
消耗着我和你的永远

你有没有听见
思念的呼唤传遍每条街
就算你走的再远
累了回头
我就在你的身边

Drained

2006-10-24T21:57:00.000+08:00

I'm behaving like a bimbo now, with my facial mask on, sitting in front of my desktop. Haha.

I feel so sleepy again, but this time I have an excuse of it. Cos i haven't sleep at all in more than 30 hours already? LOL. I'm having a headache now cos' of the lack of sleep.

I went out to mug last night and reached home only at 7 this morning.. And guess wat? I met Cindy at 11 plus and went to town after that, without even any sleep.

Sigh. I think I am mad. Well, Cindy's worse. She made the both of us wore Harry Potter shirts from bossini kids to town today. Haha. We looked so comical on the train! And I even tied my hair in a bun to one side, attempting to imitate the female lead in Princess Hour. HAHA. Damn stupid la!

Anyway, it's a day of mugging through tiredness and madness at coffee bean at Paragon.
Oh, and we took a break and went to shop for prom dress for Lindsay at Far East after mugging.
So poor Lindsay had to try this and that cos we made her. Haha. She looked cute in those dresses though.

After that, we went to eat Japanese cuisine!! Haha. And Ian got to eat all the food that we couldn't finish. Oops!

Tiring but fun day.

Kaili

A girl like me

2006-10-23T02:45:00.000+08:00

No mood to mug today.

No mood to sleep today.

No mood to do anything.

Not on this day.

Over

2006-10-22T17:39:00.000+08:00

I watched the walls around me crumble
But it's not like I won't build them up again
So here's your last chance for redemption
So take it while it lasts cause it will end
My tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find
A reason for goodbye

I can't live without you
Can't breathe without you
I'm dreamin' bout you
Honestly tell me that it's over
Cause if the world is spinning and I'm still living
It won't be right if we're not in it together
Tell me that it's over
And I'll be the first to go
Don't want to be the last to know

I won't be the one to chase you
But at the same time
You're the heart that I call home
I'm always stuck with these emotions
And the more I try to feel the less I'm whole
My tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find
A reason for goodbye

I can’t live without you
Can’t breathe without you
I’m dreamin' bout you
Honestly tell me that it’s over
Cause if the world is spinning and I’m still living
It won't be right if we're not in it together
Tell me that it's over
And I’ll be the first to go
Yeah I’ll be the first to go
Don’t want to be the last to know
Over over over
My tears are turning into time
I’ve wasted trying to find
A reason for goodbye

I can’t live without you
Can’t breathe without you
I’m dreamin' bout you
Honestly tell me that it’s over
Cause if the world is spinning and I’m still living
It won't be right if were not in it together
Tell me that it's over
Tell me that it's over
Over

Honestly tell me
Honestly tell me
Don't tell me that it's over
Don't tell me that it's over

Fatigue

2006-10-22T16:31:00.000+08:00

I just came back from Econs tuition. *yawns* I'm so frigging tired!
I went to a friend's house to mug overnight(though we ended up talking, ha) and I reached home only at 8.15 this morning.
After sleeping for less than 4 hours, I had to get ready for tuition. =(
Well, I am still glad that I went to my friend's house anyway.
We talked about things that I've been keeping to myself for quite a while.
Though we probably can't go back to before since everything changed so much.
Somehow, I just feel more relieved now I guess.
At least, there are now less things for me to regret about after A's.

I feel so drained now, but I just couldn't sleep.
I dunno how long can I keep up with this facade when tears are threathening to fall anytime.
How long can I keep up with the laughter and smile when it's all so fake..
Sometimes I really want to remove the mask, but I know I'd probably break down without my protective cover.

I need to study.
And I am going out to study.
No, I don't need sleep.
I need to mug to distract myself from thinking.

Sometimes, goodbye is just a painful way to say "I love you".

school sucks

2006-10-16T23:11:00.000+08:00

I GOT SCREAMED AT TODAY!! cos i slept in class. Alright, it's my fault.. but i can't help feeling down. It's like the first time I got SCREAMED at in class la.

BOO!

but nevertheless, i shall adopt the NEVER-SAY-DIE attitude.

I will still be there for class tomorrow. Not for anybody but for myself. And this time, I will be wide awake and fully prepared.

Nothing can bring me down again. Not the teacher, not you.

With determination,
Kaili

I can't sleep

2006-10-14T03:09:00.000+08:00

Looking at all the photos, memories start to flow.

I can't sleep. I really can't. I can just break down anytime.

I miss you. Really.

Though I don't think you care anymore.

It's painful but damn it. I've to learn how to move on.

Just let the tears wash away everything tonight.

Hopefully, I will have the courage to face everything tomorrow.

Just take away my pain.

That is all I ask for.

Kaili

Graduation

2006-10-12T22:42:00.000+08:00

Haven't blogging for... 5 months? Yet I am blogging now cos I am feeling so darn sad. Tomorrow marks the end of my jc life. The end. So many ppl I thought I will not miss yet at this moment I know I will. So many ppl who I thought I dislike, but I just found out that I will still miss them. I just feel like hugging every single ppl in my school tomorrow. I miss you guys!!!!!!!!!

I just saw something that make me really upset.
I think, he had fallen for someone else.

Yet, I will and I do. I miss you.

Love,
Kaili

life is short

2006-05-02T20:05:00.000+08:00

Been talking about my grandpa in the previous posts. And I'm afraid that I can't post much about him in the future. I'm not close to my grandpa cos' he is from my mother's side and I'm closer to ppl from my father's side. In my memory, my grandpa is a healthy person with a tummy, respected by alot of people. Really, but that's about all I know about my grandpa. Until he's sick. I still remember that night when Mum told me that he got diagnosed with lung's cancer-- last stage. We were frantically looking online for information, for we don't know much about his sickness. Even though the doctor said there's not much hope, we refused to give up. We continue to let him go through chinese treatment, with this little hope that he'll recover. Until he got hospitalised again, we knew that our hopes are smashed. From the hospital, he got transfered to the nursing home. He refused to go there on the first day for he thought we're sending him to an old folks' home, but that is never our intention. He was convinced to enter, for we need the facilities there. My grandpa needs the professional care that we can't provide him with.

When I visited grandpa in the nursing home, I couldn't recognise him. I was looking at all the beds, trying to find him. When I realised that the frail and thin old man I was looking at was grandpa, I almost cried. Matching him with the grandpa I remembered, I couldn;t find the link. Where's my grandpa with the tummy? Where's my grandpa who was healthy? Yet then he was just lying on the bed, looking so weak. Mum was telling him, after you get better we will fetch you home. However, a voice in me was saying, it's a wish and not the truth. My grandpa will not get better. The cancer cells are spreading and no one can stop it. That day, though he looked weak, he was still joking with us. All my relatives said that my grandpa is behaving abnormally for he's not usually a humorous person.

Then I asked myself, so what is grandpa like normally? I don't know. What do I reallly know about him? Reality hits me hard, I never really tried to understand him.

I feel so guilty now everytime I enjoy myself. Im enjoying myself yet my grandpa is suffering.

Even though I'm not a filial grand-daughter, but grandpa, I do love you. Even though I don't tell you, but grandpa, it still pains me to see the pain that you're going through.

I pray that my grandpa will not suffer any pain and he'll be happy. My grandma, I pray that she will not be depressed over anything that might happen. Bless my grandpa. God, I pray to you in the name of Jesus, Amen.

I can't think anymore

2006-04-05T20:27:00.000+08:00

All I want to do now is to..
Cry
Scream
Yell
Punch

I'm so sick of everything. I'm so sick of As. SO TIRED OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My headache is killing me, I still have to study for test, I still have to think of the camp, I still have to complete my assignments... I still have to i still have to...........

Frustrated with myself. I feel so useless.

I'm going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fall to pieces

2006-03-30T22:53:00.000+08:00

"Fall To Pieces"
I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through
Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

[Chorus:]
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you
You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms

[Chorus]
Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything
[Chorus without last line]
[Chorus]
I'm in love with you
Cuz i'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you

Maybe..

2006-03-22T22:12:00.000+08:00

Maybe I'm wrong when I said I don't know what is love. I am just afraid.
I was packing my room when I saw that book in the shelf, the book long forgotten.
Flipping through my secondary school years diary, every page is filled with his name, his smile, our memories...
Yet he is never mine.
Lots of memories came back with the diary...
Days when we went out together, days when I cried over him, days when I felt this piercing pain whenever I saw his girlfriend and him, everytime when I miss him, when he was at my block, when he gave me the shirt, when we shared a chair and many more...
Stuff that I wrote in secondary school, perhaps I do loved him then. It's funny why all my password for my accounts are related to him, and why the passwords are always the same after all these years... Maybe it's because I really don't want to forget him.

I found some stupid stuff I wrote when I was love sick. Ha.

Maybe it will hurt me alot to do this,
but it will all be over when it's past.
It's better to hurt once and for all,
rather than being hurt forever.

希望越大
失望越大
所以我已
彻底绝望

I'll remember my feelings to him forever
And it'll remain genuine forever
except for the fact that it can only be placed in memories.

爱得越深
心痛越重
再也不想
有任何伤痛
不想再玩
没结果的游戏
因为到头来
输的永远是我

I remembered...
It hurts then.
I was hurt, a girl who wished she don't know what is love.

signing off,
the girl in the secondary school days

blogging

2006-03-05T00:26:00.000+08:00

It's been so long since I just let down my hair and go crazy.
It's been so long since I genuinely laughed.
It's been so long since I last enjoyed myself.

I changed so much from last time.
And now I'm going back to last time for good.

I'm just born with an attitude.

see things clearly now

2006-03-02T23:43:00.000+08:00

All I did was to change your opinion towards me.
I tried and I did. Yep sure you changed you opinion,
but you made it worse.
You were my motivation but no longer so.

被爱是幸福，
爱人是痛苦。

I get it, seriously.

I won't let you affect me anymore.

Try

2006-03-01T20:24:00.000+08:00

I hear this all the time....

A: I don't think he'll ever like me.
B: At least give it a try. You never know till you try.

A: I don't think I can pass this test.
B: At least you put in your best.

A: Time is too short. I can't make it to the U.
B: Just study hard now. If you really can't, at least you tried and u put in the effort.

Okay, so what's the moral of the story? Always try. LOL!!

Life is about trying. You never know till you try. And if you fail, at least you tried. There'll then be no regrets.

I will try hard to score for A's.
I will try hard to get into the course I want.
I will try hard to get scholarship.
I will try hard to.....
I will try.

sleepy pig

2006-03-01T01:13:00.000+08:00

*Yawning* I really feel so sleepy now!!
Time check, 1.14a.m.
And I m still doing stupid history essay. Sigh.
Too bad cos I owe Mr. Yeo this essay for far too long and I promised to hand in later.
Oh ya, I didn't do as badly as I thought for my History test. Haha.
But still, it's a long way from my target, an A.

We went out to eat pizza hut just now with the chinese new year commitee and the teachers, it was quite funny. During the meal, we played some stupid games like open numbers until we begun to talk about the more serious things like scholarship. Am I even good enough to get it? Well I don't think so. But I rather I work hard now than regret after As about why I didn't work hard enough.

Saw my manager just now in Pizza Hut and I went over to say hi. Surprisingly he still remembered me and the stupid nickname he gave me, hamburger! =(
Stop laughing!!!
And worse, he told me I'm even more chubby than last time. What the...
I need to go for face slimming! Humph!
Then, he asked about my secondary friend aka my ex colleague and I said I don't know.
I don't know why things turned out like that but it did.
I think although I'm still childish in some sense, I am proud enough of myself cos at least I handle certain things in a mature manner. I still remembered in secondary two when my clique decided to stick together throughout secondary school years and work hard. Yet, it was all empty promises. Out of the four of us, one of my friends quitted school and became like a drug addict now, the other retained in secondary 3 and now quitted school. Only 2 of us in the clique proceed on to other stages of life and yet once again, we separated.

It was funny to know how much I changed. Last time, I will have no doubt that they are my best friends forever. However, now we don't even bother looking for each other because I know that things are just not the same anymore. They lead their own lives and I lead mine, and our lives are not connected anymore. Cindy commented that we really have different friends and I agreed. Compared to her, my world is so much more tainted with the many "wrong" paths distracting me from the right one. Going to Jc was just a stupid joke that I made in the beginning for I seriously thought that I will not get in. Although 17 points may be considered a lousy score for most of you, I'm still proud of it because I chose to take the right path for me.

*strong faith needed*

HAHA

2006-02-26T18:03:00.000+08:00

this is our school.. NOT!

Stupid Steven kept saying that
we shouldn't take pic in the dark or
we'll see a white figure. Humph!

At orchard MRT!!

Look at us.. Cool? Haha! Me and
Hui ying climbed up to take the pic.
We were all crazy then. And mind
you, it's in the middle of the night!

Still full of energy after one night
of cycling. Walla Mico rocks!!

Haha. Do we look like tourists?

Us and our bikes. Lovee it!

We're the dragon babies!

Posing. LOL. kinda of corny.

Feeling so much better! Posted up some photos taken during the night cycling trip with walla and miko members. LOL. It was like one month ago la.. but still... I LOVE THE PHOTOS!!!

*Lost in myself*

PAIN!

2006-02-26T14:08:00.000+08:00

I regretted for being so lazy and not take my long term medication. That's why now I'm suffering from cramps now. Why am I a girl????!!!! SOB!

It's too painful for me to continue blogging anymore. OUCH!

titleless

2006-02-23T20:48:00.000+08:00

School really sucks. The teachers had been nagging and nagging about A levels and I am so sick of it! I mean, nagging is for our own good I know but please don't do it excessively. It can get very irritating. Sigh! I've been eating packed food or fast cooked food for dinner for days... Mummy goes to Grandpa's house to visit him almost everyday now and it really give me this bad feeling that something will happen soon.

Seriously, I am so tired of everything. Everything had changed and everything is changing.

The two tests today sucked! My mind was totally blank when I did the econs test and I just crapped my way through. Same thing happened during History even though it was an open book test. I'm so disappointed in myself! Urgh! I can't finish my History test in time as my mind drifted off for a while. I was listening to the radio when they played the song "Have you ever" by S club 7. It was an old song and I don't know why the song impacted me so much. It did anyway. After that, I just can't get the tune out of my head. Wierd. Haha.

Well, even though I'm not a good student, let's pray for Miss Cheong and miss Lim to get well soon.

Sometimes it's wrong to walk away, though you think it's over
Knowing there's so much more to say
Suddenly the moment's gone
And all your dreams are upside down
And you just wanna change the way the world goes round
Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Lookin down the road you should be taking
I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go
Can't help but think that this is wrong, we should be together
Back in your arms where I belong
Now I've finally realised it was forever that I've found
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round
Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Lookin down the road you should be taking
I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go
I really wanna hear you say that you know just how it feels
To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see
Even though the moment's gone, I'm still holding on somehow
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round
Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry (I'm sorry)
Can't you see, (ohhh) that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Lookin down the road you should be takingI should know, (I should know)
cos I loved and lost the day I let
Yes I loved and lost the day I let
Yes I loved and lost the day I let you go

Bored bored bored

2006-02-16T22:32:00.000+08:00

1. who's the last person in ur inbox?
-Junk mails?

2. sport you did last?
-ran in school.

3. last movie you watched?
-Heirloom with Et and Alvin.

4. what do people first notice when they meetyou?
-I'm anti-social.

5. do you like peanut-butter?
-Love it.

6. Do you like comics?
-Alright la. Depends on what kind of comic.

7. how pretty/handsome is your crush?
-Er... Cute is a better word.

8. do you like earthquakes?
-Didn't experience before. Ask me again next time.

9. worst nightmare?
-Dreamt that there's this witch chasing after me when I was young.

10. favorite coffee place?
-Starbucks (before Nina kill me)

11. Wanna be happy?
-Of course!

12. your current school close friends?
-Cindy and Eeteng and blah blah

13. most people would describe me as:
-Loud
-Irritating
-Definitely not demure

14. thing/s you hate about yourself?
-Acts like a dork sometimes. Too irresponsible. Letting my emotions control my mind.

15. vegetable you hate?
-Dislike veggie in general.

16. do you like to go out on a shopping trip?
-It's every girl's hobby man.

17. favorite person in the world?
-Can I say 'God'?

18. can you dance?
-Nope.

19. favourite past time?
-Sleeping.

20. Are you happy?
-Alright la.

21. what is the worst rumor you've heard?
-Dunno. Ask those who spread my rumors.
22. what time is it now?
-10.48

23. first thing you do when you wake up?
-Go to sleep again.

24. where are you right now?
-In my room.

25. what are the things you like to do alone?
-Read.

26. are you ok now?
-Any reason for me not to be?

27. how many drinks before you get really drunk?
-Didn't count before. Depends.

28. what can you say about the person who sent this to you?
-Nothing.

29. what is love to you?
-Complicated.

30. are u missing someone?
-Yes?

31. how many times have you been pulled over by cops?
-None.

32. how many times have you been fined for driving?
-There's still months before I'm legal.

33. have you ever thought of becoming gay/lesbian?
-Yes, but not anymore.

34. if you could be someone else, who would it be?
-I just want to be myself.

35. wats your quote/motto in life?
-Everything is fated. Take things easy.

my reflection

2006-02-13T03:37:00.000+08:00

Cindy told me how attention seeking I was... and I realised it. She said blogging about it will make me feel better, and I said I was too lazy. Yet I had the urge to blog now. I just realised how dumb I was, how stupid girls can be. How immature can I be? I really want to become a better person. I really want to change for the better. I really hate myself. I'm so confused now and at the same time I really want to cry. I am so lost.

Tonight or rather this morning I'm doing my reflections. As I looked through all my past conversation with him, I realised that I regretted everything I said. And now I thought secondary school days, when I crushed on xy for 3 long years. There was a chance to take a step further in our friendship, yet it didn't happen. Now I finally realised why, I was really not a good person. Or maybe I still am not.

Blogging this entry, am I trying to seek attention again? Blogging is definitely one of the ways to do it. Sadly, what I'm doing now is releasing my emotions because now I really need to release those unwanted thoughts and memories.

I regretted doing stuff that I shouldn't. All the while I thought I was a nice friend, a nice person. I realised that I'm not. I don't have good character, good temper....

Nothing is good about me.

If I'm trying to make someone like me, I know I probably shouldn't blog about all this cos it only goes to show how inconfident am I in myself. And like what people always tell me, guys like girls who are confident of themselves. Somehow, I just can't act anymore. I lost my confidence.

Perhaps why I am so upset now is because after finding out how horrible I am, I don't want to like him anymore. I don't feel worthy enough to like him. I don't want to know that it's impossible for him to like someone like me. Yet I can't deny the fact.

I am pessimistic.

I feel so horrible.

I feel bad.

God, can you just save me from becoming more worse?
God, can you take me into your hands and change me for the better?
God, can you tell me that you love me despite how horrible am i?
God, I need your love because you're the only I can think of that will love me no matter what.
I felt so insecure God, I feel that everyone is leaving me.
God, I need you. I felt so alone and so empty.
God, I pray to you in the name of Jesus, Amen.

kaili loves you!

2006-01-28T23:18:00.000+08:00

It doesn't matter that you don't like me, what matters is that i like you.

We don't have to be together, for I know we will never be.

I won't confess, for I hate rejection.

But I will still like you.

Happy Chinese New Year to all.

I love all of you my beloved friends!

Stress!

2006-01-20T10:00:00.000+08:00

School reopened for almost going to a month now. Everything had been so hectic. So much things happened that i don't know what to blog about anymore. Sigh. As a start, my friend broke up with her boyfriend. And things are not going smoothly. This actually had an impact on me, and I start to think about what if the same situation happen to me, what will I do? Yes I had boyfriend, but I've never been in love. If you get what I mean. Literally in love. I know one day, sooner or later heartbreaks will come. But I dread that day. Maybe that'a why I couldn't commit. I tend to break up with most of my exs within months before the relationship gets any deeper. So is it that I had no feelings for them or cos I was afraid? I don't know anymore.

Now I got a crush on this guy... But I'm afraid to confess or even show it. So i did alot of dumb stuff to cover it up. However, it only seemed to make it worse. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do anymore.

Yesterday, during Econs lecture, when I was in the toliet with one of my friend, she suddenly felt pain in her abdomen and was so in pain that she can't even move. It freak me out man. I had to run to my teacher for help and then called for an ambulance to send her to the hospital. Hope she's better now! I prayed for her yesterday. I supposed to be trained in first aid yet I felt so lost yesterday. I felt so useless.

When I reached home, an even more upsetting news came along. Grandpa is diagnosed with lungs cancer. And it's no ordinary lungs cancer. I checked for information online, printing articles and articles only to get more disppointed. There's almost no cure for it. And the only medication only came out in the market one month ago. The situation's pretty hopeless. My uncle died from cancer and now my Grandpa got it. My thoughts kept drifting back to my primary school days when my uncle got diagnosed with cancer. The memory is still vivid. I was there to witness his death and i remembered the heartache the whole family felt. I hate to see death, illness and I hate attending funeral. Can anyone tell me that everything will be alright? I doubt it.

Pessimistic. All I can do now is to pray.

Tired girl,
Kaili

Wierd thoughts

2005-12-26T20:11:00.000+08:00

I ended my attachment!! OPPS! Is it good to mention it here when I didn't even blog about the fact that I had an attachment? LOL. I attached to Singapore Press Holdings for my dec hols for one month plus and I enjoyed it being an intern reporter. I went through things I never knew I will throughout my life. Now after I left the company, I remembered things tht I knew I will never forget. Going to the mortuary 3 to 4 times week, who will experience that except for our dearest reporters? I used to be frightened about it, but soon it became a routine. You see things you never want to see, families crying, breaking down... I won't want to experience that, not in my life. I'm now so afraid of losing everyone in my life, cause I know I'm not strong enough to stand up again. All i want to say to you guys out there is, if you're part of my life, you're someone that I can't lose. Work... I miss work and the colleagues there. Esp my zhu ren! Sigh. When will I ever see them again?

These days.. I've been thinking alot. Life is full of regrets, sometimes if there's something you want yet you can't bring yourself to get it, you will feel miserable when you lost it. Chance never come twice. I learnt it in secondary school. When I let go of my chance, it's forever. Regret won't bring anyone back.

Things are just not the same again.

I'm always wearing a protective cover, for I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm always smiling, for I won't show anyone my pain. I'm cold, for then you can't hurt me. I'm complicated, for that's when you can't know me and that's when I can defend myself. I'm wierd, for when I tried to do all I mentioned, I can't help but got the opposite.

Love,
kaili

meee

2005-11-14T11:48:00.000+08:00

I m soooo pissed off now. was going to update and i accidentally deleted everyting. my ultra long entry! urgh!

oh

2005-11-11T23:50:00.000+08:00

OH YA! forgot to add this! I GOT THE JOB AT SPH! Not only that, CINDY GOT IN TOO! CHEERS!
Celebration starts now! WOOHOO!

bored

2005-11-11T23:36:00.000+08:00

SIGH... Going to camp tommorow. I was so enthusiatic for a while but apparantly my enthusiasm don't last. Haven't even pack all my stuff yet. Alright alright, haven't pack any of my stuff at all. LOL. I dunno what's wrong with me lately, been thinking about depressing stuff and been having negative thoughts. I kinda feel unwanted. This is such a bloody short update. I should post some photos then. HA.

Do Nina and me look like lesby? LOL. I sure hope we do. =X

Me and Gwenie dear... Sentosa rocks!
Me and Jean dear after tanning.

LOL

2005-10-22T22:15:00.000+08:00

Just got home from town. Whee! Exams finally over man! I hoped I'm going to get promoted, which I think I most likely will. Lol. Yesterday was really a crazy day, key word: crazy! Project work's written report was due yesterday and my group members had to almost redo the whole thing on thursday. Argh! I had to go to Singapore press holding for a job interview first that afternoon for a work attachment from school during the holidays and rush all the way from Toa Payoh back to school after the interview. I screwed up the whole interview and it's so obvious that I won't get the job. I want the job, sob. Went to work on written report immediatly when I reached school. My group members and me then stayed back in school till 8.30 to do the stupid report when the school is closing. Can you imagine it?! I felt like I've no life man. Spend my whole day in school when I can be somewhere else doing other things, anything will be better than doing project work. When I reached home, bathed and had my dinner, I sat in front of my computer and started doing pw, again. And it went on and on, editing and doing and redoing, and I drank cups and cups of coffee. And finally, it's time to go to school. I did not sleep at all man. Not even for one minute! I'm starting to look scary with my dark eye rings and eye bags. Lol. When I thought I can go school, I realised that I can't make it on time. In the end, I just skipped the first lecture. So I continued doing the report. At 9 plus, when I was about to go prepare to go school, my teacher complained that our report is not right. Wrong format. Then we redid the report again. Then when I thought everything's gonna be alright, my teacher said she wants us to email her our written report first at 10 again no matter what. So we hurried my group member to finish his editing for he only woke up a few hours ago and when we combined everything, the word count exceeded. Then we edited again. By the time we sent it, it's already 10.30. And now when I finally really thought I can leave house already, we realised that we had to redo the numbering again and thus have to reprint. 44 pages of report wasted like that, the ink and the paper, argh! My teacher then said that we've to reach by the project work(pw) period at 11.40 and I was like, what the hell! Kept telling us that must change this and that at the very last minute and expect us to reach on time? My group member stayed far away from school la! By the time we finished, it's already about pw period. The most fustrating thing is that I walked down without combing my hair, without wearing my shoes yet and without wearing contacts and there was no cab in sight. I really wanted to curse then. In the end, my friend had to pick me up and we went to school 10 mins late for the lesson. And if you thought it'll end there, you're wrong. We had to queue the long queue at the bookshop again to photocopy our report before submitting it to my teacher. When we finally submitted our report, honestly I was not just tired. I was drained out. I felt so dead. And I felt like crying. When all I wanted to do was to go home and sleep, it was sports day. I was forced to attend the event and sit there till 6. Damn hot and damn difficult to sleep with all the noise. Argh! One of my friends left halfway and dragged me to leave but I rejected. Felt bad to leave like that, lol. I'm mad la!

Okay, done with all my unhappy happenings. Lol. Now must talk about fun things! I went to sentosa last saturday to tan! So fun and relaxing. Gwen and Jean were with me and we just laid on the mats and enjoyed our tanning. We covered our faces with our shirts cos' the sun's burning and listen and sang songs. Haha. Honestly, I think we look like idiots. 3 girls lying down with their face covered and singing and moving with the rhythm. Gwen and Jean were rather shy about tanning with bikinis at frist but got used to it shortly. When we started to tan our backs, we looked around and spotted cuties! Hehe. Jean was like hey look at the guy in black and white shorts, he's cute. As we only saw the back and side view, I did not comment much and continued tanning. When we were about to leave, I looked at the guy in black and white shorts again and I almost screamed. He's someone from my school! Jean and Gwen put on their shirts immediatly cos they don't want anyone from school to see them like that while I just ignore it. We packed our stuff immediatly and got ready to leave when I realised that he actually saw us too. Ewww! I look fat in bikini la! So dead! Then I started to wonder, did he saw us when we were lying down on our backs tanning with our faced covered, singing and shaking? That will be like... so unsightly! Sigh. Anyway, I did get a tan and it had been a fun day. Nothing can stop me from going Sentosa soon! I want to get even more tanned. Ha.

Argh! I can't upload the photos!
Kailiiii

down

2005-09-24T08:19:00.000+08:00

Just woke up.
And the time now is 8.20a.m.
So bloody early.
There's still traces of vomit in my breath I think and it sucks.
It's my friend's birthday party yesterday at aloha chalet.
And we simply go crazy, or perhaps it's just me.
I'm constantly smiling and laughing throughout the night but perhaps it was all an act.
My friend's boyfriend brought his friends too.
So it was like all adults cept for my friends and I.
Adults? So what's the different thing between an adult party and a kids one?
Just alot more liquor.
I forgot how much I drunk, maybe not much.
I don't know what I'm trying to do.
Acting like someone in some tv serial, drowning my sorrows?
All I know was, my hands never stop pouring, and my mouth never stop drinking.
When I was about to go home, I'm pretty drunk.
The ride in taxi was horrible.
Every bumps on the road just make me feel like vomitting.
Once I got out of the taxi, I puked.
I tried to act like I'm not drunk.
But I was too tired to put on a front.
My dad make me vomit in the bathroom.
It was bad, real bad.
This is not the first time I reach home drunk.
But this is the worst.
Now when I awoke,
I realised nothing changed.
I'm still that loser, or even worse now.
I just heard daddy's voice.
Time for a lecture.
Time to be awake now.
Face the world with my ugly self,
face the pain,
face the sorrows.

bad mood

2005-09-22T22:22:00.000+08:00

Everything just sucks today.
Me? Yeah my behaviour sucks too.
I don't know why I behave in such a igitated way.
Still have the feelings? Nah I'm positive I don't.
I thought everything will end with a break up,
But in fact everything seemed to start after it.
But no, I don't regret my decision.
Even if I'm condemned, no one can stop me from doing the right thing.
It hurts, but I choose to put on a smile.
I think I'm just a total failure in life.
Sometimes I wonder what if I never exist,
perhaps this world would have been a better place.
Depression over nothing, definately not over guys.
I don't even know what I'm writing.
Maybe I should just stop.
Maybe I should just return to who I was.
That quiet girl that sits by herself.
The one that no one notices but herself.

Ian's birthday 2/9/2005

2005-09-09T16:23:00.000+08:00

Since I didn't update for so long, might well update everything once and for all. It is Ian birthday on the 2nd Sep 05' and we celebrated for him first in school by singing birthdy song and treating him to the birthday cake that Cindy and I baked. It was fun man. We baked the cake the previous day and we had tons and tons of fun. Finally, I prove the fact that I actually bakes. NO one believe me cos' I don't look like the goodie goodie type of girl. =( I'm actually one alright. There's many sides of me and too bad you guys only see the rebellious and party girl side. LOL.

See? I look like a housewife. Xian qi liang mu okay. =p

The cake me and Cindy baked. Nice right? You better say it's nice! *warning*

So the next day, Cindy brought the cake to school. And I bought lighter in the morning to light the candles. The lighter is pink! LOL. We waited for Ian's lesson to finish first so that we can sing him a birthday song. Meanwhile, I went to Sembawang mrt station to make a new EZ link card. I lost mine when I donated my blood. =( Then I rushed back to school to celebrate Ian's birthday. Haha.

Firstly, Ian blew out the candles.

Secondly, Ian cutted the cake.

Thirdly, we smashed him. HAHA.

Lastly, aftr he bathed and changed, time for a nice posey!

Boring day

2005-08-21T14:01:00.000+08:00

I've got a new bible!! Thanks to Kialee. She never fail to surprise me man. It's a precious moments bible that I wanted long ago! I told her years ago that I love it, and she bought it for me as a gift for I'm finally baptised in the presence of the holy spirit. I can't believe that she still remember man. It's damn expensive also, I feel so bad that she spent so much on me. Anyway, it's the best gift ever. I casually asked her to come to my school to fetch me, and she did! I mean, if she's a guy, I would have thrown myself at her and ask her to marry me man. She can totally read my mind and she can really give me good advice. She's my soulmate! Well, recently, I really felt that I'm actually really girlish. Girlish but not pampered. Well, can anyone change me? Can i just be tomboyish for once? Can anyone force me to throw away the dresses and skirts in my wardrobe? Hmm, maybe throw away is too harsh. Maybe just put it away? LOL. If I do that, I probably need to change my whole wardrobe since it's basically filled with tons of girlish clothes. EWW. I wish I can cut my hair short without looking like a dork. Well, it's 2.10 now. So what am I doing at home. Well, today is my cousin's twins one moth old celebration, gonna go and attend it later after I finish all my assignments which I most probably won't. Sob. School stuff is killing me. Oh, school gossip is killing me too. I love gossip, but not when the gossip is about me. HELP! Nevermind, ppl will get sick of teasing me sooner or later. Right Cindy? lol. Innova sucks, cept for my tai tai groupmates and my friends in there. Maybe some teachers too. *keyword: some* Made alot of new friends recently, wierd. Anyway, I gotta go. Update again soon. =)

Sleepy

2005-07-31T02:04:00.000+08:00

Today is my school parents teachers meeting day. Lucky my Mum didn't meet my teachers, if not I'll be so dead. It's so scary! Lol. Though there's no PTC for me, I still went to school to help Cindy paint the council banner. I'm so nice aren't I? Haha. I'm not a councilor man! Alright alright, I admit that I've this little motive. Well, I just hope that I can see "him" around in school.. And I did.. so, it's killing two birds with one stone. Paint banner and see "him". Next week is my school camp, gonna help out here and there. So fun! Just pray that I won't fall sick. I m starting to love ODAC now. Oh yeah, I signed up for my school broadcasting programme. Yeah! Increase my chances of getting into mass communication in Uni. Lol. So I'm teamed uo with Cindy, bet we gonna go crazy fooling around. When two loud and hyper girl combined their power, it's formidable. Muahaha. So listeners out there, beware! So sleepy now, gonna go!

Moody

2005-07-27T00:09:00.000+08:00

Wow.. so long since I see my blog again. I've been avoiding it cos' I knew once I look at it, I'll be tempted to change the layout and to update. Which is what I'm doing now after one whole month. The last update was about the Ophir trip which was like ages ago. So, not going to talk bout it again. Lol. Life has been pretty boring recently, the same routine continue everyday. Pastor said that life is about routines and to be successful, you must learn to like routines. That's true but it's hard. School, study, assignments, projects, extra classes. Yep, this is what my life is all about now. Nothing much interesting. I went for a odac rockclimbing orientation course last Saturday and well, it was pretty fun. Sigh. I'm such a bitch lately. I think I'm wrong when I try to open up to ppl. Sure, I've more friends but in the end, I hurted more friends too. I don't know what's wrong with me and why can't I just be nice for once. Maybe I should just stay alone, maybe I should continue to live in my own world. I think I should return to be the old me. The quiet girl that's always alone. Still got so many uncompleted assignments yet I'm still blogging. Argh, screw it.

Hmm..

2005-06-20T03:31:00.000+08:00

Came back from Mount Ophir long ago but was too lazy to update. lol. Time passing fast, my one month school holiday only has about one week left and I've not studied anything for my summer tests yet, so dead. My trip to Ophir with my odac team mates was great, I loveee it. Lol. And I'm glad that there's some plans for us to climb a different mountain next year. However, I'm not so sure whether my team mates really want me to be there though. haha. I'm the weakest person in the whole team man and I almost can't make it. Throughout the journey I was mumbling "Oh shit" to myself when I see endless steps and branches that we have to climb. And halfway through to our campsite, I already felt like I was half dead. I felt so bad for dragging the whole team down. Without me, they probably reach earlier and thus can rest earlier. Guess that I over estimated myself and that's why I didn't train much before the trip. Lol. We met SA's odac team in the mountain, what a coincidence. I was just joking with Gwen that maybe we should bring something nicer to wear in case there's any cute guys or what.. see? At least she met familiar faces. Too bad, dressing up is absolutely out of question when you cannot even have bath.

Day one was really tiring. We set off at Kranji Mrt Station at around 7 in the morning and we then took a bus to the custom. After we all pass the checkpoint and all, we took a bus to Langkin. Then, me gwen and crystal shopped around for food and we finally decided on donuts! Buy 5 and get 1 free.. it's rather tempting and so we got 5. In the end, no one wants to eat the donuts so I hold the donuts all day long looking like an idiot. We took a bus from Langkin to Tangkat and then took our lunch and bought mineral water which we brought uo to the mountain. Then, we took a cab to the foot of Mount Ophir. The taxis were really old and there's no air con! Can you imagine it? I'm a spoiled Singaporean. lol. We started climbing soon after we reached and the whole journey was.. super duper tiring for me. After we reached the campsite, we chose a nice spot and started to set up the tents, me gwen crystal and miss chew in one tent. ha. We have to join our groups and decide whether we should wash up first or cook our dinner after that. In the end, things were not really coordinated as the guys went to wash up first and the girls just hung around doing nothing. The river became girls' forbidden grounds when the guys' there because they are not fully dressed. It was funny hurrying em when we were reaching the river. We girls cleaned up after the guys left and I was pretty disgusted that we have to wash up using the river water. And what's more, there's fishes in the river. But once we come in contact with the water, we changed our mind. It's a wonderful feeling as the river was really really cooling. However, due to the fishes, we girls did not dare to go down but just stayed around at the side, wiping ourselves clean with towels and washing our faces in the water. Then, we went back to the campsite for dinner. And dinner was..... instant noodles. Lol. Luckily I have some really nice group members who helped me cooked. After the dinner, we washed the mass tins and prepare to go to sleep for we've to wake up at 2.30 a.m the next day to climb to the summit to catch the sunrise. We scrambled back to the girls' tent and prepare to go to sleep. Then, we heard singing. Nope, it's nothing to do with horror. The singing came from the odac guys! Apparantly they're having some K-box session to entertain themselves. Gwen put on her earphones and went to sleep and crystal was falling asleep. Soon, i drifted away to my dream world too.

The next day, we woke up at two something and we started changing to our trekking attire. I really took quite a while and I could hear my team mates outside asking me to eat breakfast. Lol. I managed to scramble out of the tent a little too late and start gobbling down my breakfast. My nice team mates cooked breakfast again without any help from me. I felt so bad. lol. As I was really a slowpoke, there no time to wash the mass tins. Soon, we started to trek. It was pitch dark and everyone of us was holding a torchlight to guide our way. Though darkness can be scary sometimes, but it certainly nice to me too as there's less things to scare me since I can't see much. haha. we climbed higher and higher and this was better than day one as we were not holding our big backpack then but just a small pouch. However, I was lousy as usual. The sun was already rising when we reached the summit but the view was magnificiant. We had an hour to spend at the summit and it was getting really cold. Then Mr. Sim want us to climb some ladder down and go to the other side to take photo. I was like.. no way! I'm afraid of heights man! lol. So I just watched them...

Update more on day 2 and 3 tmr.. I'm sleeping!

off

2005-06-05T20:20:00.000+08:00

In bout' 10 hours time, I'll be off in the train heading to Kranji to meet my odac's members who are going to the Mt Ophir trip. It's quite intidimating, considering the fact that this is actually the first time that I'm climbing a mountain, unless you consider Bukit Timah Hill a mountain also. Lol. I really miss my friend, I just want to tell her that I may not be a good friend but I truly care for her. Let's pray and hope that she'll talk to me again. There's so many people I miss now, guess this is one of my emotional moment again. I just feel like crying. I 'll be back on Wednesday around mid afternoon I guess. I just hope she'll talk to me again by then. I love you guys and I mean it from my heart. You guys know who you are.

Love,
Kaili

I knew it!

2005-05-16T14:48:00.000+08:00

I'm not in school today again. Don't really feel like going. I'm just waiting to fail my exams. I think I knew why my friend is mad at me. But I got nothing much to do with it! God. I know no one will really believe me. So there's just no point in explaining. I just don't want anybody to get hurt in this stupid fight. I'm not a good person. My attitude sucks and I'm simply not a good friend. Sorry for causing any unhappiness to anyone of you out there.

Wierd

2005-05-13T12:16:00.000+08:00

My friend's pissed off with me for some unknown reason. She's not in a bad mood cos she laughing with my classmates. But when I put my arms over her, she flung it off. And she have this really angry look on her face. So does that show that she's pissed off with me? Unfortunately, yes. Nvm den, perhaps I'm just a bad friend. Wait, I really am. Lol. Maybe I should remain anti-social so no friends will be hurt by me. Seriously, I don't think I can proceed to Jc2 next year. All I ever think of is to have fun and slack, and I didn't even put in any effort to study. And I keep skipping classes nowadays and later too. What's wrong with me? I don't know. I'm just sick of school, sick with everything in my life. I'm such a bitch lately. I just can't help it. Help me, god.

Bitch,
kaili

Pathetic life

2005-05-12T12:07:00.000+08:00

Had my 2.4km run in the morning. [i am etee hah:)]-----> My friend just cut in and type. lol. Although I had a rinse after that and sprayed on etee's body spray, I still feel like I smell like... Eww! It's raining since late last night and the rain just stop. Even though it's still raining in the morning, we still must run. =( So we ran in the light rain and I almost feel like dying. I didn't sleep much last night!! And Ain low blood pressure was acting up and she look like she's going to faint. Bad Day!

Headache

2005-05-10T15:24:00.000+08:00

Going to meet alene and nina later around 5. So bloody late and i actually ended my lesson at 1.40 today. So what can I do during this few hours? Find some entertaining stuff to do? So here I am, typing in my school's computer lab. It's becoming my regular hang-out. I'm here almost everyday browsing the net when I have a computer at home. So why am I using it here? Good question. I don't even know why myself. Cos this school is just too boring! There's absolutely nothing to do unless you list studying into your to-do-list. Help! I'm bored to tears. How can I survive in Innova for the next one and a half years? I miss you Lois! Too bad you can't join us later. Still in your orientation camp? Give me a call when you're back and update me on how the camp go alright? =) 15 more minutes and Alene will end her lessons. But, by the time she reach Woodlands... Sigh. Why am I the only one schooling in Woodlands?! Humph! Be faster Alene!!! Nina, you too!!! C you all later! Muacks!

bored to tears,
kaili =(

Vexed

2005-05-08T21:38:00.000+08:00

I hate myself, my home, my family! Everything about me!!!! Typing on my computer now, yet I can hear my family criticising me in the living room. So what? I don't live for them to criticise. I live for myself. Bloody way of living. Went out to watch house of wax yesterday at ps. Full house but still manage to get the tickets for someone using phone booking did not collect it. That fellow was smart enough then. The show's boring. I was so prepared to scream but... turns out that it's not scary. Sigh. Thought NC-16 will be better than the normal PG ones. I was wrong. Just plenty of gruesome scene rather than frightening. That's all for today. Ciao.

hate,
kaili

School Life

2005-04-02T14:51:00.000+08:00

School had started for almost a week now and it's an absolutely horrible experience. While most of my friends are still enjoying their honeymoon-like holiday, i have to slog through endless lecture notes from school. hmm... maybe I was exaggerating, but jc's life isn't that simple after all. I still miss my secondary school friends and we just had a chalet. Everyone was crazy then, probably because we know that this might be the last time we will hang out together in a long time. Everyone's busy with their own life, including me myself. Having to balance between school and fun for me, for a lazy bum like me it's something very hard.(that's why i still slack now) Gtg, update again soon... lol. Real soon.

Love,
Kaili

what to do...

2005-02-04T02:42:00.000+08:00

updating my blog again.. why? for no reason.. this blog is seriously getting boring. cos of my stupid updates? i dunno. Today something drastic happened at home today. I'm upset yet I can't do anything about it. I want to find someone to talk to then I suddenly realise a fact-who can I trust? You? I no longer know who's my friends and who's not. Who's backstabbing me who's not? It's all a childish game yet even adults do that. Hopeless, everything is hopeless. What can I do to change everything in my life? Reborn? I'm tired and sick of the life I'm leading now, where everyday I put on a damn smiley face when my heart is torn and aching. So many times, so many times that I have the urge to cry, like now. But I can't, letting my true feelings flow is like being a piece of transparent glass-easily breakable. Insecure feelings will soon overtake my once "peaceful mind". Who am I really? Is the girl in the mirror really me? I know I sound childish and kiddy, but I won't deny it. I'm a kid, some part of me will always be.

Love,
Kaili

updating bloggy

2005-01-26T01:24:00.000+08:00

how long didn't i update? i seriously can't remember. not that i don't want to, but i seriously have to work till late everyday. though i m sleepy now oso, but hey, blog is an impostant task isn't it? i went back to our old *new* school for quite a few times bu now, n i serously can't find my deep attachment for the school. ppl say that feelings fade with time. so i was just wondering, 5 years dowm the road, even when i walk pass this school, will i ever feel ath n tell my friends that i m a ex riversidian? most probably not i guess. phew, just glad that i m still quite speedy in typing, but with alot with mistakes though. my eyes are actually half closed now. so tired! yawn! want to watch phantom of the opera!! but nobody watch with me sigh! now i working as a salesgirl, stand for countless of hours everyday. sometime i just wonder why salesgirl don't go by the five days week. our schoo l uniform really sucks now. yucky. now i even think graph paper school uniform look better. class gatehring.. since when have we talk bout it till now. still no one to take the initiative to plan it! if i plan it u guys fourtenners better pay up! =p haha. met some reli wierd customers lately. n even one that curse throughout the way just because she want ten percent discount. that particular scene somehow turn mi off singaporeans(kiasu ones). today i try out at lois working stall where she doing computer nailart for ppl n i've go one! the palyboy rabbit one on of my fingernails. wohoo! btw, she seemed to have a reli nice boss. haha. i miss you guys so much, nina lois... all of y guys! I love you guys!gonna go to slp before i die. nitey.

kaili love you!

sigh

2004-11-28T16:43:00.000+08:00

Didn't update for so lonnng cos my com is really spoilt!! that's all i can say b4 the com die onmi again... love you guys *muacks*

kaili

bored

2004-10-12T11:03:00.000+08:00

In the school computer lab now. Can't use my house com really, it totally lag like HELL! Sigh, I just spoiled it again. Haha. I aleady got back my prelim results, but not going to publicise oso. My results suck and I m not gonna post it up here when I bet almost half the students blogging are talking bout' their results. Depressing, for me! Just hope that some teachers will give us more freedom and time to do our own revision. I mean, keeping us back in school forcefully and giving us worksheets isn't going to help much if we don't even know much of the facts. So screwed up. Blah.

Love,
Bitch!

Pump It Up

2004-09-27T18:18:00.000+08:00

Oh man! I dread having exams. And Mrs Tan(my principal) just have to drop the biggest bomb ever on me today, she declared the start of the countdown to our exams. *Sigh* I should be running aroud frantically now and screaming "Oh God! What shld I do?" or just work hard and study everyday? LoL. This can be a real pain in the ass. Heard that Resident Evil is out and it's NC-16!! Yeah!! So why am I so happy bout' it? Cos Resident Evil is NC-16 and I'm finally SIXTEEN! hmm... maybe it's nothing to be proud about. Unlike overseas, there is no Sweet Sixteen in Singapore. Sixteen is not a sweet year after all. I bet we'll be considered as adult if we're living aboard. Sixteen and we will be able to drive, to drink, to club. Here? Sixteen and I'm still a little girl in my parents' hearts. Can't do whatever I like freely but only listen and obey. Well, not that I really do tat anyway. It can be clearly seen from my diasatrous result this year anyway... I totally slacked throughout my years in secondary school and now, I'm only left with one month. So what miracles can I make? Gosh, I just turn around to see my elder sister falling asleep on my bed(yes she's in my bedroom). Just pray that she won't drool. Yucky! Oh, and Nina is sick today. Nina, if you're reading this, Get Well Soon! Take more vitamin C!(that's what Mrs Tee told me when I was sick. sob.)
God Bless all my friends and bless Nina with a speedy recovery!

Love,
Kaili

sick

2004-09-16T10:37:00.000+08:00

I'm in the school computer lab since now I've only MT which is some sorta of free period for me. Feeling extreme sick & nauseous, I bet I gonna faint anytime soon... And just now I actually threw up all my breakfast... Oh wait, I didn't eat breakfast today. So.... it's must be the dinner last night... Ewww yucky! But I think I'll recover soon, too bad tommorow is our English Prelims.. No choice but to come to school!! Y ISN'T IT A NORMAL SCHOOL DAY TML!!!! cos it's just not... Damn, I think I'm starting to develop the habit of talking to myself.. oh maybe it's in me all along? Haha.. I gonna go now.. Before any of my dinner yesterday end up on the keyboard.. (0_O)..

Love ya all,
Sickly me!

i noe i noe

2004-09-04T20:43:00.000+08:00

HEY!! I didn't update for.. hmm.. let me count.. months.. nah.. at the most only one month... But it's so not my fault... it's not my fault for being lazy, hmm.. not my fault for being tired.. not my fault tt I spoilt the Computer so now it lag like hell(hey at least it still works!).. not my fault that I end up surfing the net and chatting away and didn't update! See! told you it's not my fault.. LoL.. funny that all the evidence just seemed to point to mi and say "IT"S ALL YOUR FAULT!" okay okay... I admit.. so stop finding anymore excuses. Anyway, everytime when I didn't update for quite awhile, I will always start with "So what's up with my life lately?!" Damn.. so today I'm gonna try something different.. So, what's up with my life recently? hmm.. does this make anyway difference? haha.. Neway, this is such a bad week month year life.. all for me!! Sometimes I got so much to say but now I just end up speechless. Eh nono! I'm typing.. So I should actually put I got so much to type but I end up being motionless. Well, you can be glad that at least this lame part of me is still intact, didn't change during this month. So after blabbing rubbish for almost half my update, let's just talk bout' today. I've got quite a fun time today out with Adelene, my all times, sometimes, everytime, regular.. hmm what's more, best friend playing badminton at a community centre. Oh well, it's such a HARD time finding an availiable place, especially today since it's the weekend and all. WE actually tried for bout' 3 places b4 we finally find a court to play in. Damn, we were so desperate then. For court. No other things. lala. I actually think I had learn quite alot this week. Falling up with a friend doesn't mean that ypu had to come online to criticize her or whatever. That's just so childish! (Man! I finally grow up!) Of cos! Cos mi, virgo girl birthday is COMING! No, I ain't hinting anything to you guys for presents or any sort. It's okay not to buy me anything.. IT'S OKAY! LoL.. do I sound convincing? Nah.. I'm just kidding. Presents will be great. Preferably a pink mini cooper(real one) my own house, alot of cash, a nice n sweet looking boyfriend... hahaha.. Alright, I better stop it before anyone think that I'm serious. Sigh.. If anybody is reading this entry n find mi damn bitchy, my apology. Cos, this is just me!

With lots n plenty of LOVE,
Kailiiiiii

lalalalala

2004-08-13T18:25:00.000+08:00

I m bored bored bored and absoltuely bored! There's absolutely nothing to do in this house except going online.. Just went to see my idol yesterday at IMM. It's so cool! (if u've watch Singapore Idol, have i remind you of someone?) It's my ever first time in my life going to such event squezzing and suffocating surrounded by a bunch of their fans.. Aww man! I felt so totally extra then. I mean, I would never want to be caught dead as one of the fanatic that go obsessed with stuff like Idols and all.. But I just happen to like em', alot... Hmm.. Maybe I should start to think whether I'm lesbianish after all.. haha.. (Nah! Of cos not!) Oh, have I mentioned who they are? It's TWINS!!!! FROM HONGKONG!!! I'm a huge fan of theirs.. apparantly I'm not the only one judging by the crowd last night.. Going mad! I've forgotten to pass my teacher my report book since late June until now, haha.. I think she's gonna get pissed off soon if I still don't hand in.. Graduating this year really sucks.. I can't believe that I gonna be out on my own and leave all my friends soon in just a few months... I know, I will really miss them, alot! But what's really dumb about graduation is that we actually have to write our own testimonial! (only send for the teachers to check) And, from what I know, we're only suppose to write good things.. But what if there's just isn't any good things about me? lol... I'm sadistic and mad, but somehow I can't write it in, can i? No school will accept me if that's really in my certificate.. lala.. gonna go nw.. before I really go bersak!

Love you!you!you!,
Kailiiiiiiiii

Yo!

2004-07-31T17:02:00.000+08:00

Hey it's me! Aren't you surprise? Dude... this is my own blog... =X Neway, Ain was over just now, you know.. Just hanging around and surfing net.. Sigh.. I just skipped some of my lessons in school just now.. I M SO DEAD! Now my eye-liner smudged and I probably looked like a human size panda now with the black rings and all.. lol. I was so damn pissed off this few days.. Apparantly, some girl from my class had got the all rounded outstanding student award and she was like, so damn proud of it. But what's ridiculous is that she's simply not all rounded. Yeah, she might be a counsellor, but so? Her grades aren't that good either and seriously, she have major attitude problem. Just yesterday or the day before, our teacher actually passed a stack of printed paper around the class which recorded some teachers' comment on us bout' our exams and our grades. And that "outstanding" girl who have scored quite well this time spent almost the whole period with her friend (her spokesperson! Even if she need to go to the ladies she need this friend to help her to ask the teacher for permission!) to read bout' other people comment despite hearing what the teacher said bout' read your own comment only and not be so busybody.. Obviously it's either she deaf or she's just defiant.. And the worse things is, she actually laugh at ppl grades. Oh please, I didn't even laugh at her at times when i scored better than her and whatever. I didn't know whether did she laugh bout' my grades.... if she did.. she's.......! sigh... I'm not going to be so childish I reckon... Just venting off my anger.. phew... And I'm posting up my racial harmony day photos frm school.. haha... =)

Love *kisses*,
Kailiiiiii

troubled

2004-07-25T19:12:00.000+08:00

My Mum & Dad quarreled... =( They're not talking for ages I think. or at least that's what it seems to me. I think Mum perhaps is suffering from depression from all the stress of supporting the family, is it? She seemed very temperamental nowadays.. Sigh~ I've just completed my homework and things are getting boring... Crap.. Just sorta got into a sqabble with a good friend yesterday. And from what I know from her, someone had been spreading rumors about me and apparantly from what she said, it ain't nething good. And from what she said, it is better for me not to talk to guys that I don't like. I was like, what the F***? I mean, why are all those ppl so childish to even spread rumors in the first place? I mean, yeah I bitch bout' ppl, I gossip alot, but never did I actually create something like a rumor and went on spreading it.. Talking to guys that I like or not is my business, not theirs. All I wanna say is, I won't stop talking to whoever that's in my school la alrite? So those big mouth who spread the rumors, if you don't like me in anyway or whatever, come to me and tell me straight to my face la alrite? I appreciate it. We are all not little kids anymore, so stop acting like one. So, just F*** off and stop interferring in my life. And to my friend, I do appreciate it if you will tell me where did you hear it from and who's the bitch or bastard spreading it. Thanks.

Love ya all,
kaili

Racial Harmony Day!

2004-07-21T20:11:00.000+08:00

Today is Racial Harmony Day!! Everyone is the class wore traditional costumes, cept for hilmy n longyun who's absent... =( It's actually kinda fun n stupid cos I actually wore a cheongsam(is it spelled this way?) today juz for the sake of fun... ewww... i end up looking like some chinese restaurants waitress and some even say I look like mistress or wat... pls la, i don't even have the look for it.. haha.. Took alot alot of pics today but unable to post it up yet... so maybe tml or the day after? lala.. Damn, my feet actually kinda hurt after walking in high heels for a whole day, sigh... that's just the consequences of acting taller than you shld be.. Looks like the imposter is striking again, y can't he just get it in his brain that i know exactly which one is the comment Nina, my fren wrote? maybe he's mental, i dunno.. today we are actually asked to write something for all CME lessons where we have to write something positive for classmates round us to spur them on & to encourage them. It's nice receiving nice comments but I'm sure if we were told to write about the bad things, I'll probably recieved about a pile of paper. Lol, but neway, I still appreciate the things my classmates wrote for me... But there's just one similarity in every comment tt I recieved... I'm noisy sometimes(I just can't stop blabbering n singing ya noe) & I'm a fun, crazy person(tend to go mad sometimes)... so classmates, sad to say, I won't change.. So just bear with me alrite? haha... I gonna go... before my eyesight worsens.. good nite!

Lots & lots of Kisses*MUACKS*,
Kaili =)

lame

2004-07-17T22:45:00.000+08:00

Sigh.. Today the moment I read my blog and my chatterbox, I start to laugh. I mean, there's someone using the nick "Nina" yet it wasn't one of my pals. Oh gosh, how did I know? Easy. Firstly, Nina don't type in this kind of spelling and Nina simply don't write like this. So, my advice to miss/mr. imposter, perhaps you should probably read more of Nina blog entry to find out more bout' the way she write, haha. Damn, I'm not pissed off at all(funny?), instead I laugh and actually start to pity the imposter. I mean, what's so fun about posing as somebody? If the person's aim is to irritate me or Nina, or even break off our friendship, I would have to say that this didn't really affect us. And I really pity you imposter, why do you have to pose as someone and not your real identity? Are you that ashamed of yourself? So maybe you should start showing that you have some guts and comment only using ur own identity, get a life man. Stop living in other ppl's shadows, be proud for yourself for once. If not, your real name and identity just don't serve any purpose, isn't it? lol... take care imposter, think for yourself if you wanna continue this childish game. Btw Nina, my pal, there's no nid to worried about that I'm gonna misunderstood you. I know you, I trust you.
Laughter,
Kaili

Muack! Love ya!

2004-07-17T01:22:00.000+08:00

Haha.. i used such a wierd title today, cos' that's what the characters in mean girls loved to do. God, I'm really obsessed with the movie aren't I? I changed my song, again! For more than don't know how many times, lol. Decided to use this song since I'm in a bitchy mood now, haha. Yesterday was like the usual, nothing too exciting cept' for the fact that I was told that one of my school girls got slapped by one of my friends. Man, I was laughing when I heard about it. (Evil?) I mean, I couldn't be blame well since that girl really ought to be taught a lesson for spreading rumors about people and talking behind ppl's back. Well, just hope that I ain't the next target! Sigh~ such a beautiful Saturday and I'm having lessons in about 8 hours time, I can't even get enough beauty sleep, but can't blame the teachers too for this is our graduating year. I haven't even start my studying yet, just hope that I will scrap pass and proceed on to Junior College next year. Just woke up and have my dinner+supper a few hours ago, I totally cannot go to sleep again. Tommorow I'm gonna end up looking like a panda. I went to Malaysia yesterday to make my new specs and contacts and I actaually chose a black frame just for the sake of fun. Not wearing specs to school for years, wearing it yesterday feels wierd. Some friend commented that the specs is nice but I looked like a nerd, haha. But it's okay, it will be nice to change the image once in the while. At least I looked more studious now, just that I gonna scare more guys away from me, sob... Later on today, maybe I will pose up some photos of me wearing the new specs and some photos of me wearing the contacts? Be sure to give me some opinons! =) Good "Night" everybody! *Credits for songs go to Cody's Music Code*

*Kisses* Love ya,
Kaili....

Mean Girls!

2004-07-14T22:51:00.000+08:00

I just watched the movie "Mean Girls" today. It's funny. Though it's such a chick flim, but it's actually kinda meaningful in a way as it reflected alot of what girls our age do. It actually caused me to think on lots of self reflection, whether we did any of those mean things that "the plastics" did in the movie. I was actually so reminded of my plight two years ago when I was still an ugly duckling, not that now is any better though, lol. But neway, like all teenagers, we hang out in groups. I was friends with 3 classmates of mine who are really pretty and quite popular. But I actually felt inferior, I'm the ugly girl, the unpopular girl. Somehow, my character didn't make up for my bad looks then, I was a total bitch. And I end up being one of the targeted girl to be bullied by my friends, they seemed to find amusement in doing that to me. Somehow, I drifted away from some of em, and I'm definitely not that much of a bitch now, i guess. Learning to stand up for yourself is actually a good thing, no longer being a clown whom amuses others..

Girl,
kaili

Sleepy

2004-07-12T22:34:00.000+08:00

Sigh~ i better update once in a while... my blog is so like.. don't know what now.. i think i gonna change the layout soon, again! haha... Today is such a tiring & hectic day. I forgot to bring my History homework to school and ended up redoing parts of it. That's kinda the worst part. I can't believe it.. Today i was staring at my some sort of ex crush during lunchtime frm the corner of my eyes.. or rather, peeking.. *laugh sheepishly* acting like I don't cared. But i was so into looking at him throughout my whole meal that when he turned and stare at his girlfriend, I turned my head as well.. Gosh! God.. save me from the embaressment. Talking about guys again, yesterday i kinda went through the lifestyle of the blind. Going to a nearby cafe for dinner, I decided not to wear my spectacles nor my contacts..Just feel my way round, & went there with my family. My sister was all the while going ga-ga over a guy in the cafe while I can't really see anything with my poor eyesight. Then, a woman walked in, and I actually tell my sis, "hey look, you gt some competition." She was turning to look at the so-called competition when she laughed out loud. Putting on my glasses frm my bag, my mouth formed into an O and ended up laughinh hsterically... it was actually a woman in her 40s, white haired. Now.. what's up with telling and talking about guys all of a sudden? eww.. I must be guys-sick! (Refused to beieve!) LoL... I'm so sleepy now.. gonna do my homework for school tml... cya!

Punches,
kailiiiiii

sorrowful

2004-07-06T21:17:00.001+08:00

I'm crazy... I can hear my laughters today.. feel my craziness.. I don't even know what I'm doing, but keep on laughing till my face cracks.. But, I'm not happy at all. I wanted to cry so much that I swear if there's any point I stop laughing, I'll break down crying. But the problem is, why am I sad? I don't even know the answer to my own question.. Because Mum still not talking to me? No.. it won't affect me that much I guess.. Friends? Love? None were the answer. Maybe I should see a psychologist soon, one of this day, I'm just gonna break down. I wanted to cry, cry out loud, yet this is so hard to do. I'm choking from all this stress, and I swear the space to breathe is getting lesser and lesser. Perhaps I'm just a nutcase, someone born to be like that... Giggling, laughing when I felt nothing but pain... I'm getting chubbier, gonna cut down on my diet soon, sigh! Sometimes we just have to see things we don't want to see, sometimes we just have to face things we don't want to face... I love all of you, my friends... I can't bear to leave to school knowing that I gonna graduate soon.. This school which I used to hate so much, wanted to leave so much, yet now I can't bear to go...

Kisses,
Kaili

sorrowful

2004-07-06T21:17:00.000+08:00

I'm crazy... I can hear my laughters today.. feel my craziness.. I don't even know what I'm doing, but keep on laughing till my face cracks.. But, I'm not happy at all. I wanted to cry so much that I swear if there's any point I stop laughing, I'll break down crying. But the problem is, why am I sad? I don't even know the answer to my own question.. Because Mum still not talking to me? No.. it won't affect me that much I guess.. Friends? Love? None were the answer. Maybe I should see a psychologist soon, one of this day, I'm just gonna break down. I wanted to cry, cry out loud, yet this is so hard to do. I'm choking from all this stress, and I swear the space to breathe is getting lesser and lesser. Perhaps I'm just my nutcase, someone born to be like that... Giggling, laughing when I felt nothing but pain... I'm getting chubbier, gonna cut down on my diet soon, sigh! Sometimes we just have to see things we don't want to see, sometimes we just have to face things we don't want to face... I love all of you, my friends... I can't bear to leave to school knowing that I gonna graduate soon.. This school which I used to hate so much, wanted to leave so much, yet now I can't bear to go...

Kisses,
Kaili

sad sad sad!

2004-07-05T00:18:00.000+08:00

Today is such a sad day for me.. I quarreled with my Mum over some silly matters and we aren't talking to each other now. I cried so much throughout the whole day that my eyes are swollen while she called my Dad crying and complained too... I'm such a bad kid in their eyes.. From what i know, they are so disappointed in my sister that they kinda placed their hopes in me, sometimes bragging to their friends that i am the more sensible one.. But instead, this gave me more pressure as I always had to act like somebody that whom I'm not... I'm anything but a goody goody.. Lying and decieving myself won't change the fact.. sometimes ppl just need to face the truth. I can't go to sleep now.. I was so igitated today that even though I woke up only at 2, I slept at 3 again after quarreling with her. Sleeping in my room allowed to hide in this little confined place where I won't have to face the chaos outside, this is the place I felt really secure in. So after forcing myslef to sleep till 9 something and lying on the the bed pretending to be asleep, I finally woke up and had my so called dinner. I can't believe that I'm going school despite it is youth day tomorrow, *sigh* all for the DnT.. I think, I'll never appear at the canteen again unless necessary from tuesday onwards. I'm not taking anymore allowance from Mum.. I just don't want to face her. Alright, better end now before i go crazy... gonna go!

Love,
Kaili (00.27)

finally

2004-07-03T17:44:00.000+08:00

I finally update my blog!!! because i finally found the layout that i want... but.. i forgot who to give the credit to now.. so..i will check it out and post it some time later... =) school had reopen and everyhting is getting more and more boring.. with a major exam (Os) coming and with parents yapping at me whenever i stare at something else other than my textbook.. but yeah, i'll still survive.. (#_#) i was soooo embarassed yesterday.. i fell asleep the bus yesterday after staring at the Social studies textbook for 15 minutes... when everybody alighted, i was still sleeping like a little pig! lucky somneone woke me up, some one frm my school..i wonder did i drip my saliva or snores when i was sleeping.. but neway, in a frantic to get off the bus, i drop my lunchbox.. that is, a tupperware.. i SWEAR.. i can just die of embarresment on the spot then... my reputation... oh.. do i even have one? =X neway.. i just want to say a BIG THANKS to the person who woke mi up.. even though i know you will never visit my blog.. finally, off with all the lame things.. today is saturday yet i m stuck in the house with a com.. i gonna turn into a geek one day.. or if i m already one.. well, just turn geekier.. haha.. i invent a new word again... opps! today Alene was over at my house, doing her FnN and of cos, editing her blog.. she left, after she recieved a call frm Arshad to movies.. haha.. bet she must be furstrated now cos' in her attempt to leave, she forgot to print out her notes.. haha.. sorry girl, no way i m gonna send it to malaysia to you... =p
there's so many haha in this message when my blog suppose to have a sad layout.. guess i just spoil everything didn't i.. don't mind me, i m just plain wierd.. gonna go!

Lazy

2004-06-10T23:38:00.000+08:00

Been too lazy to update.... what's new in my life? hmm.. i might have to start frm a few days ago.. Ahhh.. that day went for breakfast with Ain, got two guys ask for Nina's number.. They are sooooo cute! you can't imagine it... *Sigh, too bad they only have the hots for Nina, pretty girl! Muahaha... this few days is pretty torturous also.. A torture for my ears, my phonebill, my body! My ears because there's someone who kip yapping bout' her boyfriend like it's my boyfriend and i don't even care. When ppl tried to help, she's suspect that you are breaking her and her man up.. i mean, what's wrong with the ppl in this world man? They repay kindness by bitching about their friends... God! My phonebill is so damn expensive with tons of ppl calling in.. =( nxt time call my hse if i m in please... (not referring to my good friends =D) Lastly, my body? I m sooo tired though i slept darn early last nite.. must be because of all the studying these few days.. er.. if i remember correctly, i didn't study much.. Aiya, who cares? Last week i met a guy when i go to the Lords of the Ring exhibition at science centre.. It's so so love at first sight.. for mi la! But being the reserved and shy girl that i always am(i'm so gonna puke), i didn't get his number.. sobs... Hope we will meet again, cutie!

Dead!

2004-05-29T11:40:00.000+08:00

I m dead dead dead.... On such a wonderful morning where birds r flying... opps! it's raining.. haha... yeah i bet heaven's crying for mi.. I m getting my report book today!! i tink i failed almost everything... haha.. ~sigh~ too bad! Yesterday just went to my cousin's wedding yesterday... the food is great... i was soo full that i bet my clothes will tear.. haha.. neway, i m still laughing now like an idiot... juz too nervous! i bet the form teacher gonna bad mouth about mi... haiz... scared scared scared... neway, gonna go now! update more scary things at nite later! =)

cold...

2004-05-21T17:16:00.000+08:00

Everybody had been so distant nowadays... I felt as if i'm alone, no one could reach my heart.. Everybody is so distant away frm me, sometimes i just dunno wat i m tinking. It was so hard to maintain a smile all the times. Today i was actually damn sad bout my failed eng, but nobody seems to care. Nobody care bout me at all, I'm just a lonely girl in this universe. Sometimes i tend tot hink like that, no matter how cheerul i might look, deep within me i'm just a pessimistic girl. I just found out that i was no better than all the ppl i had critisized b4.. i m perhaps the worst person ever alive. Even if i die one day, will anyone be sad at all? I already tried hard, i really had... I really had... but somehow everything just remained at a standstill.. so sorry to those i had hurt b4, so sorry to those who hate me, so sorry to be a hindrance, so sorry to feel sorry for myself...

Tired~

2004-05-17T21:09:00.000+08:00

I'm sooooooo tired! Still haven do my maths file and all that is due tml.. oh god~ Can't believe that it's now after exams n we still have to study... guess that's y we r called sec 4. The older we are, the more sufferings we shall have... BGR, Friends, Families... i watched so many friends cried over all this matters that i actually feels numb to it now.. Perhaps when i was in secondary one n two, having boyfriends seems cool or wat sort ever as having bf den, in my mentality, prevent me frm being an "extra" in my group. However, now being single does not make me an extra, instead someone with lots of freedom in doing things the way i like... (no more reporting to my bf on my whereabouts) We had sex education todae!! But it had nth to do with sex though.. haha... I sooo wanna watch the abortion video when i heard Nina talk about it.. But too bad, apparantly the school jut feels that it's not suitable or some sort like that.. Damn them man! we're 16, not an adult, but certainly not a kid. It'll be a good thing if we can see the video, I think most of us will not opt for abortion when we are pregnant if we've seen the video..
I'm so dying to watch a chinese movie (too bad i m jus so cine) but! it was not shown in causeway theatre... We had to watch Troy instead.. I thought i wld hate this kind of roman movie but this movie is really worthed my $6.50 man.. i won't mind not eating for a week for this movie.. So damn nice! But too bad, it's so sad that i cried for some parts of the movie.(Brad Pitt n Hectar? is it spelled this way? N the king of Troy died..) that's reli sad.. Whether it's real or not, but i felt that ppl in the past are more passionate about things. But for us, does true love even exist? A man might say that he love u during marriage, n maybe he does love u den.. But 10 years down the road, how can he be sure bout his feelings anymore? There's no such word as forever though we had been hanging it on our mouths to show our partner how much we loved them.. But somehow, forever is just a lie.

yohoo!

2004-05-16T01:45:00.000+08:00

Yohoo! i had just posted up the photo... finally figure out how to use it! Credits goes to Nina Liana Bte Roslan! Dun kill me for saying your full name though.. haha.. Just hope that the posting works, i kip my fingers crossed. Before posting the photos and such, just having the background and messages makes me feel like this isn't my blog cos it's simply not that original. However, posting the pictures makes me feels like this blog really belongs to me. Like, a home with all the photo frames lying around can really give you a homely feeling. I just visited a website to chat with foriegners aboard! The whole website was like really very horny and everything was just sex sex sex but it's so damn funny to play along just for the sake for laughs and fun, not that i was horny though. Well, yesterday i didn't update cos i m afraid that i will be scolding vulgarites all over my blog which i dun want to as i was too pissed off with my friend. Anyway, everything is over now(i hope) so my anger just simmered. 1.51a.m and i'm not yet sleeping. Gotta get black eye rings tml!! The night is still young, but not for small kids like me under 18. Guess that i can only sigh then... 2 more years to go... yawn~ i really gonna sleep now! Good nite! =D

Bored!

2004-05-14T17:04:00.000+08:00

Been trying to post the photos up but failed! guess that i'm just a complete computer dummy! It's so boring to stay at home today man... Actually we've decided to go to Sentosa today... But first, the guys dun wanna go today but next week.. Which obviously is not my concern... But secondly, THERE'S A BIG HOLE IN MY WALLET! or do i even have enough money to use a wallet? Too bad, just have to call it off... The suntan, the fun.. Aww...
Neway, nxt week we will confirm be going... confirm confirm confirm! even if i can't make it to Sentosa, i'll go Sembawang! =C okie... i noe it's lame... Just hope that nxt week my wallet will be full enough for me to send the whole day at Sentosa with my peers... Sentosa, here i come!!!

Crazy!!!

2004-05-13T18:51:00.000+08:00

I'm sooooooo tired... neway... this is my first time making a personal blog... so maybe, it feels kinda wierd? haha... Today is one of the most tiring day ever-shopping and taking photos... Seems like we're already too obsess with ourselves, erm, or rather mi n alene.. haha... (dun kill mi alene!) Just posing and acting cute for the whole day is already a chore man! Anyway, this is a day filled with laughters and sarcasm, but that's wat make it fun! Hope we will have betta times nxt week n for the rest after... hehe... (-__*)