The dark side of me

Thursday, February 16, 2006

1. who's the last person in ur inbox?
-Junk mails?

2. sport you did last?
-ran in school.

3. last movie you watched?
-Heirloom with Et and Alvin.

4. what do people first notice when they meetyou?
-I'm anti-social.

5. do you like peanut-butter?
-Love it.

6. Do you like comics?
-Alright la. Depends on what kind of comic.

7. how pretty/handsome is your crush?
-Er... Cute is a better word.

8. do you like earthquakes?
-Didn't experience before. Ask me again next time.

9. worst nightmare?
-Dreamt that there's this witch chasing after me when I was young.

10. favorite coffee place?
-Starbucks (before Nina kill me)

11. Wanna be happy?
-Of course!

12. your current school close friends?
-Cindy and Eeteng and blah blah

13. most people would describe me as:
-Loud
-Irritating
-Definitely not demure

14. thing/s you hate about yourself?
-Acts like a dork sometimes. Too irresponsible. Letting my emotions control my mind.

15. vegetable you hate?
-Dislike veggie in general.

16. do you like to go out on a shopping trip?
-It's every girl's hobby man.

17. favorite person in the world?
-Can I say 'God'?

18. can you dance?
-Nope.

19. favourite past time?
-Sleeping.

20. Are you happy?
-Alright la.

21. what is the worst rumor you've heard?
-Dunno. Ask those who spread my rumors.
22. what time is it now?
-10.48

23. first thing you do when you wake up?
-Go to sleep again.

24. where are you right now?
-In my room.

25. what are the things you like to do alone?
-Read.

26. are you ok now?
-Any reason for me not to be?

27. how many drinks before you get really drunk?
-Didn't count before. Depends.

28. what can you say about the person who sent this to you?
-Nothing.

29. what is love to you?
-Complicated.

30. are u missing someone?
-Yes?

31. how many times have you been pulled over by cops?
-None.

32. how many times have you been fined for driving?
-There's still months before I'm legal.

33. have you ever thought of becoming gay/lesbian?
-Yes, but not anymore.

34. if you could be someone else, who would it be?
-I just want to be myself.

35. wats your quote/motto in life?
-Everything is fated. Take things easy.

Just a girl|10:32 PM|

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Monday, February 13, 2006

Cindy told me how attention seeking I was... and I realised it. She said blogging about it will make me feel better, and I said I was too lazy. Yet I had the urge to blog now. I just realised how dumb I was, how stupid girls can be. How immature can I be? I really want to become a better person. I really want to change for the better. I really hate myself. I'm so confused now and at the same time I really want to cry. I am so lost.

Tonight or rather this morning I'm doing my reflections. As I looked through all my past conversation with him, I realised that I regretted everything I said. And now I thought secondary school days, when I crushed on xy for 3 long years. There was a chance to take a step further in our friendship, yet it didn't happen. Now I finally realised why, I was really not a good person. Or maybe I still am not.

Blogging this entry, am I trying to seek attention again? Blogging is definitely one of the ways to do it. Sadly, what I'm doing now is releasing my emotions because now I really need to release those unwanted thoughts and memories.

I regretted doing stuff that I shouldn't. All the while I thought I was a nice friend, a nice person. I realised that I'm not. I don't have good character, good temper....

Nothing is good about me.

If I'm trying to make someone like me, I know I probably shouldn't blog about all this cos it only goes to show how inconfident am I in myself. And like what people always tell me, guys like girls who are confident of themselves. Somehow, I just can't act anymore. I lost my confidence.

Perhaps why I am so upset now is because after finding out how horrible I am, I don't want to like him anymore. I don't feel worthy enough to like him. I don't want to know that it's impossible for him to like someone like me. Yet I can't deny the fact.

I am pessimistic.

I feel so horrible.

I feel bad.

God, can you just save me from becoming more worse?
God, can you take me into your hands and change me for the better?
God, can you tell me that you love me despite how horrible am i?
God, I need your love because you're the only I can think of that will love me no matter what.
I felt so insecure God, I feel that everyone is leaving me.
God, I need you. I felt so alone and so empty.
God, I pray to you in the name of Jesus, Amen.

Just a girl|3:37 AM|

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