The dark side of me

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Been talking about my grandpa in the previous posts. And I'm afraid that I can't post much about him in the future. I'm not close to my grandpa cos' he is from my mother's side and I'm closer to ppl from my father's side. In my memory, my grandpa is a healthy person with a tummy, respected by alot of people. Really, but that's about all I know about my grandpa. Until he's sick. I still remember that night when Mum told me that he got diagnosed with lung's cancer-- last stage. We were frantically looking online for information, for we don't know much about his sickness. Even though the doctor said there's not much hope, we refused to give up. We continue to let him go through chinese treatment, with this little hope that he'll recover. Until he got hospitalised again, we knew that our hopes are smashed. From the hospital, he got transfered to the nursing home. He refused to go there on the first day for he thought we're sending him to an old folks' home, but that is never our intention. He was convinced to enter, for we need the facilities there. My grandpa needs the professional care that we can't provide him with.

When I visited grandpa in the nursing home, I couldn't recognise him. I was looking at all the beds, trying to find him. When I realised that the frail and thin old man I was looking at was grandpa, I almost cried. Matching him with the grandpa I remembered, I couldn;t find the link. Where's my grandpa with the tummy? Where's my grandpa who was healthy? Yet then he was just lying on the bed, looking so weak. Mum was telling him, after you get better we will fetch you home. However, a voice in me was saying, it's a wish and not the truth. My grandpa will not get better. The cancer cells are spreading and no one can stop it. That day, though he looked weak, he was still joking with us. All my relatives said that my grandpa is behaving abnormally for he's not usually a humorous person.

Then I asked myself, so what is grandpa like normally? I don't know. What do I reallly know about him? Reality hits me hard, I never really tried to understand him.

I feel so guilty now everytime I enjoy myself. Im enjoying myself yet my grandpa is suffering.

Even though I'm not a filial grand-daughter, but grandpa, I do love you. Even though I don't tell you, but grandpa, it still pains me to see the pain that you're going through.

I pray that my grandpa will not suffer any pain and he'll be happy. My grandma, I pray that she will not be depressed over anything that might happen. Bless my grandpa. God, I pray to you in the name of Jesus, Amen.

Just a girl|8:05 PM|

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